You. Fucking. *SUCK*.

Spent pretty much my entire life hearing those words shouted inside my head NON-STOP at max volume no matter what I was doing.

I always said sports/being active makes me happy.

And to others, when I was playing sports, it usually LOOKED like I was having fun.

But MY ENTIRE LIFE, inside, I was always a black cloud of self-hatred –> because I was never good *ENOUGH.*

This means I would often confuse the people around me:

➡️ Like when I would try to give my medals and trophies back after winning soccer tournaments as a kid because I KNEW I didn’t play well enough to deserve an award.

➡️ Or when I tried to tell my college soccer coach I was stepping down from being team captain because I just wasn’t team leader material.

➡️ Or when I’d be riding with a group of friends and suddenly go silent for the afternoon (because I was obsessing over how I didn’t belong + how the other people must be finally finding out how awful I truly was).

Meanwhile, no one saw what was REALLY going on….

???? No one saw me leaving the scene and breaking down, bawling, behind the nearest building, literally yelling at myself “ERIN WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??? WHY CAN’T YOU BE BETTER???”

???? No one saw my diary pages filled with YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK scrawled in black sharpie pen.

???? No one saw me come home from snowboarding to spend the rest of my day in bed, bawling, because I felt completely and totally and utterly worthless because other girls were doing better tricks than me.

The level of self hatred and shame I carried around for myself was NEXT LEVEL.

And when other people would say “Erin, you’re okay!” I’d know in my gut they HAD TO BE lying to make me feel better.

Alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the photos and clips you see here?

Most people would post shots like these and say “I’m so proud, look what I did!”

I posted these very specific photos and cringed because, each one brought back memories of the deep, nearly-unbearable shame and humiliation I felt when I was actually doing these activities on these particular days.

Name the insult.
I guarantee my brain was screaming it at me. (Missed grab! Too small! Too slow! Bad style! etc…)

I remember the EXACT day each of these specific photos represent.
Others saw me “having fun.”
I remember crying, feeling AWFUL, humiliated, and embarrassed before or after these photos were taken.

When most of these photos were taken, I was actually thinking:

You *SUCK* Erin.
YOU ARE FUCKING *WORTHLESS.*

So yeah.

I know what it’s like to live with “Mean Brain.”

That was me.
My entire life.

Throw in some depression and traumas for good measure and I was all sorts of not okay.

Sometimes I still can’t believe I made it to where I am now, and that I’m still alive. The hatred you see people having for politicians these days? I had that for myself.

The craziest part about all this?

I used think the self-criticism (hatred) was what pushed me to do BETTER, to BE BETTER.

I used to think that without the self-criticism I’d be a worthless human being. (The biggest irony: that’s exactly what my brain was always telling me I already was anyhow.)

And then a couple years ago I found the work I do today with my clients.

I cleared out the headtrash that caused me to hate myself whenever I was doing all the activities I insisted I loved. And all that shouting went silent.

If you have Mean Brain:

I understand you.

I get you.

Deeply.

And I want you to know that Mean Brain can be cleared out.

Completely.

Gone.

I promise.

I’m living proof.

Yesterday I did a 3 hour mountain bike ride and never ONCE thought about how slow I was or how other people are so much better than me. It simply doesn’t cross my mind like it used to. I don’t worry about it anymore.

I ACTUALLY ENJOY THE ACTIVITIES I always *said* I enjoyed, but that broke me down in shame and humiliation.

The same CAN happen for you.

I promise.

I’m not special; I just figured some things out that most others don’t during their lives.

I know everyone THINKS you’re amazing while YOU think you’re awful.

I know it feels like you’re living a lie.

But please don’t give up hope.

Mean Brain can disappear FAST.

Really, really, really fast.

I promise.

And even though you don’t love yourself yet: I love you.

I WAS YOU, not long ago.

I get it.

Please don’t give up.